Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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