You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize