Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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