Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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