Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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