she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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