At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
