Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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