I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
