I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
