I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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