I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
