so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
