my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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