in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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