Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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