tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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