My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize