Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
