All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wish my penis had a tongue
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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