This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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