im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
