I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
