You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
