Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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