i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
