friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
