you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
