I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
