i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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