i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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