so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
