i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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