One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
