im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
