My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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