I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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