Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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