Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
