i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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