just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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