I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
