PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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