I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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