my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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