im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
