the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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