please come you make the beer taste better
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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