i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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