Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
