Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
