I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
