Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
