i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize