Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
