Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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