pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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