capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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