the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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